I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
