At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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