took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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