just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
