Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
