Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this beer tastes like vomit already
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
