Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
