im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
