Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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