Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
