he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
