Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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