I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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