If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
PANTIES FOUND
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
