her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Randomize
