the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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