hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
