Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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