I faked an abortion last night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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