Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
