The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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