well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
