I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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