I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
