don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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