quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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