ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
