Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My liver just had a heart attack.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
