She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im just a social blackout drinker.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
