Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize