we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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