90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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