Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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