I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
