Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize