On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
