I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
