i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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