My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
