I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
