We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
