How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize