Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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