I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
