I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize