This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
