I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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