Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
