Can i not drive my cunt home
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
