I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
