what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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