Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
