Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
